Social Anxiety (Maybe) Saved My Life

My brain is like 50% useless trivia, 30% endless fangirling, 40% profanity, and 80% snark (yeah, I got screwed over with a defective body, so I got double brains. Suck it.). Anyway, I am constantly thinking things I shouldn’t say out loud. I mentioned one of these things on Twitter (@ManicBrknFilter) recently. Saw a beer-bellied redneck in a “Trophy Husband” tee. My snarky brain says, “Was it a participation trophy?” Brain said it. Mouth did not. I am constantly thinking things that, in this part of the country could get me shot, or at least punched in the face. Fortunately, my crippling social anxiety make talking to strangers terrifying, so when I walked past a man who looked like he probably smelled like warm beer and gunpowder with a Confederate flag inked on his bicep, my brain yelled, “Awesome Nazi tat, bro! Woo! White people rule!” Anxiety to the rescue. I avoided eye contact and stayed downwind.

Keeping me from getting my ass kicked aside, social anxiety can be a cause of misunderstanding. Ever since I reached the age of all that boy/girl cutesy flirty shit, there has been an endless string of “friends” informing me when so-and-so thought I had a crush on him. Slow your roll, dude. 1) You ain’t that cute. 2) The reason I stutter and blush when you talk to me is that social interaction with people I don’t know well freaks me the fuck out. I don’t even know you well enough to like you, let alone to like you like you.

People also tend not to understand how I was a performer when I was younger while dealing with social anxiety. Let me break it down. When you’re on stage and the house lights are off and you’re saying someone else’s words and not having to “just be yourself,” it is heaven. This is not social. Give me a script and a costume and don’t make me interact with audience, and I’m good to go.

I stopped performing a long time ago. I’m fine on stage. I’m great. It’s a wonderful place to be. I’m just terrible at auditions. I already have intense paranoia that everyone is judging me, so walking into a situation where people are there for that specific purpose. Big no. Fuck no. All the no. I don’t think I’ve auditioned for anything in over 20 years. I miss the stage and someday, with enough therapy, maybe I’ll find my way back. Until then, I’ll just keep letting my social anxiety keep me from getting murdered by a random hillbilly at Walmart.


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